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winding down

May 25, 2004

scb started packing his things this morning. he didnt make it very far before he started crying. we kept repeating the same process: sort objects into piles. cry. lay down on bed. talk. laugh. sort. cry. lay down. talk. laugh…

we did a lot of staring off into space followed by…guess what…more tears. scb asked me what i was thinking about, but i knew if even tried to tell him, i would lose it. I said i was thinking of everything–which was true. but in reality, i was staring at this picture collage thing from the kids he coached in the soccer league last fall. I was remembering october, when we first met, and thinking about how I nervously watched him from atop a grassy hill, as he coached and joked with his kids. I was thinking about that time in our lives when things were so uncertain, and how new we still were to one another. I was thinking how far away, yet how close that all seemed.

october on a soccer field–my definition of happiness.

i had to leave scb’s place b/c he wasnt getting anything done, and me being there was making it harder for the both of us. i tried to take in his room, one last time. I flashed through a million memories–the first time I sat on his bed, looking through spanish notes on our first date, watching movies together on a friday night, the long talks we had, the stupid soccer ball that used to be under his desk–i tried to remember them all before everything became disassembled and packed away and sent off to another place.

every goodbye is becoming harder now. i know he’s leaving but it still hasnt really hit me that he will be living in another city, living another life far from the one we share now. The ending seems so premature–like if someone told you how a story ended when you were only half-way through the book. it doesnt feel like chapter 1 is even close to be finished. Its all so surreal, and when I really let my mind wrap itself around the reality of it all, I start to feel like im drowning.

so many thoughts ran through my head this morning, watching scb pack. the past. the present. the future, last night; my life a swirl of emotions–deep sadness undulating w/intense happiness. I was thinking of all the things we did, and all the things we never did.

but mostly I was thinking about how I wish I could do it all over again.

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