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why am i not surprised

August 22, 2004

scb called, flustered, “Im quitting my job. I’m going to law school.”

shrug. it was only a matter of time. He’s hated his job for a long time now, and probably more than that, he hates how other people think of him as “just a salesman.” I dont know the technicalities of his job, but every conversation was filled w/how unhappy he was b/c of it.

so, naturally, knowing him, the next solution would be law school. I guess Im glad if that makes him happy. On the other hand, Im pissed. Im pissed that the reasons for leaving me no longer make sense. Im pissed that all these reasons he gave me and that I finally accepted no longer hold true. I’m pissed to think and realize what I knew all along: that I am expendable to him. Thanks for putting me through all that bullshit, what with moving to nyc and all.


I spent most of our conversation silent. maybe he wanted me to pat him on the back, but I just said, “what do you want me to say? When you were here, you were adamantly opposed to law school, now its your salvation.” I knew his job was a mistake, and while I dont think education is a bad idea, i dont think grad school is the answer either. He’s unhappy, of course he’d want to change his situation. He wants people to look up to him. He wants to feel intellectually superior. I havent heard one good reason why he wants to specifically go to law school. As RS said, “he’s going to have a mid-life crisis.” And its true. As cliche as it sounds theres one thing I know: there is no formula for happiness. Change your job, your location, and things usually go back to the way they were before. Its a band-aid fix. Whatever. Not my problem, right?

Later I told him that i hoped it was the right decision for him, but that it doesnt involve me so nothing I say will matter anyway.

and i guess i dont care beyond bringing up old painful feelings. how cavalier he was about it all. how it was never about me.

ill have to remember to repeat that to myself every night: it was never about you. it was and still is always about him.

proof in point: some fairly significant events occurring right now that I briefly mentioned to him in a VM. Of course we never discussed that during our coversation. B/c that would be about ME and not him. But what the hell. Ive been weening myself from him bit by bit. He’s not the first person I call anymore, or the first person I turn to for advice. I’ve been flying solo for quite some bit now, and I’m okay with that. Better to expect nothing from him than anything at all. Better to just place him in the same category as a million other of my flaky self-centered friends than to be disappointed time and time and time again. Many people wonder why I even bother, but its b/c Im not him. Im there for him, regardless–thats what friendship means to me. Maybe one day he’ll learn to be the same. I’m not holding my breath.

not about you. not about you. not about you.

according to physics, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. But I think that when you hurt someone, the pain you inflicted will return threefold. I dont even care about that. I just hope he marries someone ugly.

that will give me a certain petty satisfaction. a band-aid fix, if you will. someday, I’ll probably end up as his law school–the person/thing he goes to b/c everything else doesnt make sense. B/c Im there.

keep pushing someone away, and they will learn not to need you anymore. and probably only then will he realize that something is missing. but of course, it will be too late by then. It always is.

surprisingly enough, he was right about one thing–when he said he doesnt see us together–he couldnt be more correct. He deserves a lot less. And I deserve a helluva lot more.

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