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uneventful day

December 30, 2004

went out w/scb. home early. we never made it past dinner.

dinner was pretty casual. we “caught up.” flirting was pretty minimal. i actually didnt even go out of my way to get all snazzy. i mean i could have gone w/the low cut black dress and stilettos, but i just went w/a white tshirt and jeans like i said it went well enough. we had stuff to talk about. mainly he stared at me. i wanted to hold his hand, but it was more wanting to hold hands with someone i knew a yr ago, not necess the person in front of me.

at any rate, for some reason, im sad. it came and went and i dont even know why i made such a fuss about it. its just sad that im no longer that special person to him, and/or that its clear we’re both traveling on different paths. its sad that i have been reduced to just another friend that he grabs dinner and drinks with whenever he’s in town.

i just think the world must be a lonely place for him. bc if im the only person he talks to about whats really going on in his life–the deeper stuff–and we barely talk as is–then who the hell does he go to? who fills that void?

i dont know what i feel for him anymore. that in itself makes me pretty sad. it used to be that my feelings for him were the only thing i was sure about–the only thing that really made sense. now, i guess i have to find meaning in something else. i suppose thats the healthier approach to life, but it doesnt stop me from feeling a little bit empty inside. I miss what we had. Im sure I always will.

anyway, not time to cry. Im too tired.
going to sleep. big day tomorrow.

EDITOR’S NOTE 10/19/15: It’s really weird to re-read these posts as I am migrating my blog and re-formatting old entries. This relationship — something I apparently once held so dear — I can barely even remember anymore. I certainly have no recollection of “deep conversations” and honestly I have no idea what we had in common. Funny how time and distance can change so much.

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