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the truth about boys

January 21, 2005

The following is a conversation that occurred today between me and DJ…about boys…naturally…

DX to DJ
i came up w/this new (actually, not so new) theory about men being simple creatures. up until now, id like to think that a guy was with me b/c they valued me as an individual, as a person, but now i know that the truth is that once ive fulfilled my physical duties as a girlfriend, then its curtains for me. Girls want to believe that a guys motives are more complex than that. They aren’t. It’s that simple.

Lets apply this example to even a guy friend. lets take you for example. while i cant figure out why you emailed me long emails in the beginning–IMed even–, now you only email me when you want something, or want me to go to club/parties/etc with you. So far, you are consistent with the simple male mind theory.

very interesting.

As we deduced in our last email to one another, its all about having the i dont give a fuck mentality that keeps them coming back for more.

from now on, im going to spend my time at the gym. In my spare hrs, when im not consumed with getting ahead / climbing the corporate ladder / being self-centered and selfish, I will seek out hot guys (its all hypothetical, remember) to lay. And after i am in a relationship for 3 weeks, Ill move on and act like its no big deal. Should I enter a relationship thats lasts more than 1 month, Ill start
freaking out about commitment, and then cope by being distant or not calling back. If it lasts longer than 6 months, then Ill tell the guy I love him, move 2500+ miles away, and then slowly distance myself so that the last email i send to them says how much I care about him, but still cant be their friend. “Too hard,” Ill say. “It’s now me, its you,” I’ll conclude.

And then, Ill complain to you how i cant find any guys, and when you ask me what im looking for in the opposite sex, ill list all these bullshit lies about how im looking for someone who is kind and who treats me well and who has a good heart and can make me laugh. Then, when a guy with all these qualities tries to hit on me/becomes my friend/dates me/enters my life, Ill make up some other excuse about not being attracted to that person so that I wont have to deal with all the complex feelings that come with emotional involvement with a person who could actually treat me well and give me what I need.

In short, my attempt to live like a guy means I will be an asshole, surround myself with shallow relationships, think with my dick, and put myself first above all others. Its a method that I have seen work time and time again, to the benefit of the person inflicting said behavior. Reap all the rewards, with very little effort, and absolutely no confrontation. If there is an easy way out–take it. If feelings are involved–ignore them.

you should try this approach to life. it seems like its the key to happiness.

DJ to DX
I guess I’m supposed to say,”no, no, don’t give up on all men because we are, for the most part, really excellent human beings and you just happened upon some bad apples” but, well, I can’t really do that. As a member of the male species though, the only defense I can give is that I doubt the majority of men out there have a plan at all. I don’t really think any of your exes had a plan laid out to trick you into caring about them only to leave. I think we really are just a simple species and easily confused, distracted by shiny things, and never sure what we really want. That’s being bluntly honest and, at least to some extent, true for me at least. That’s why I don’t do more to pursue girls I’m attracted to… because I’m never actually sure I really want them and I’d rather not risk hurting their feelings or mine in pursuing a relationship that winds up not being what I want. So I’m just as guilty of that as every other guy out there but I do at least try to distance myself from the inevitable chaos by steering clear rather than diving in and letting it all goto hell while hurting somebody that I probably really do like.

And while I’m defending myself, the only reason I switched from communicating mainly through email to inviting you to outings is because, I’m not very good at email. I mean, I’m still better than phone but, honestly, I’d rather deal with someone one-on-one, in person, than either. I invite you to events because I enjoy spending time with you, not because I want something from you
and, for the most part, they are things I think you’d enjoy going to. Plus I spend so much time on the computer right now that I’d much rather get out of the house and communicate with people I like in ‘real-time’ (like that biz speak?) than spending more time sitting here typing away at the keyboard while the light from the monitor slowly burns away my retinas. It’s not like I’m trying to invite you to places to show off my hot friend DX to everyone, thereby making me seem cooler than I am. Everyone already knows I ain’t cool. I’m just as interested in grabbing coffee with you somewhere than having you join me at a party, I’m just terrible at organizing things (no surprise there) so when there’s a club event or party going on, it’s alot easier to ask if you want to goto that than to ask if you want to goto coffee…somewhere…I dunno where…but somewhere…at sometime…I dunno when…but sometime.

I think if you are aiming to live like a guy, it’s not necessarily about being an asshole, but more about living in a constant state of confusion. That’s your ticket to male-dom right there. Of
course, whenever something gets especially hard to deal with, the key is don’t deal with it but rather choose one of the following:
– concentrate on your career
– work out alot
– have a meaningless sexual encounter
– get in a fight
– do some sort of homo-erotic male bonding activity like playing sports, because when you enjoy getting sweaty and out of breath with other men more than anything else, it will inevitably lead to more confusion causing you to return to step one and repeat the whole process. *If you aren’t in good shape, this step can be substituted for watching sports because sitting around with male friends watching other males getting sweaty and falling on each other in tight uniforms will fit the bill just fine.

but, whatever you do, do not ever admit that you are confused! That’s how we males get ya! That’s the secret of it all right there and soon the male s.w.a.t. team will attack my house for devulging this well-kept secret. See, in the male world it’s better for girls to think we are assholes, uncaring, emotionally unavailable and selfish than to admit that we don’t really have a plan and really just don’t know what the hell is going on…ever.

welcome to our club. now you just need a penis.

FIN

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