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The LD

November 2, 2004

Yesterday:

a) found out my dad was in the ICU after collapsing. My mom called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital where they discovered a swollen liver and other symptoms that had spread to other organs.

b) gave a big presentation at work. neither my mgr or my business contact were there to back me up. DJ was there but he had been gone for a week and hadnt worked on this at all. There were 2 people there who had missed the first presentation 2 weeks ago, and while they are the head honchos that drive this site, neither had taken the time to come around and see if things were right UNTIL THAT POINT. Even though my boss’ boss had seen the work, had pointed me in the direction, when the main Biz lady talked about “reassessing” and “regrouping” on the layout, he freaked out. Next thing I know, Boss’ boss has called in DJ for a 15 min meeting (Im not included) after which, Boss’ boss comes out and says, “DJ is going to work on this now. You can work on this (minor) stuff. Is that enough direction for you?” Absolute BS. 1. Thanks for having my back dude. 2. Thanks for pinpointing all these problems on me, even though it was up to the biz team to determine these changes, and they should have HAD THEY COME TO THE MEETINGS I SET and 3. Dont fucking go behind my back and schedule a hush hush meeting with DJ. Be a man and just say it in front of me. B/c i honestly have no problem delegating work, I do have a problem w/the sneaky bullshit way it was done.

After emailing DJ my files, I just got the fuck out of there. I took a long walk around the water and ended up crying in the park. It was too much for me to absorb in a 3 hr time period. On top of all that, I felt so sick–physically–as in I was coming down w/something, and felt naseous and out of it.


DJ and I didnt talk at all during work. He seemed hands off, as if he didnt know what to do. I guess I understood that, but I guess I might have wanted more. I mean we’re *friends* not just co-workers. I wanted more than “are you okay” and “if you need anything.” I also felt a little hurt that he didnt stick up for me more during the review.

After work, convo was really tense and almost acquaintance like. Today, I emailed him and told him that my new plan was to keep work at work and personal life personal. otherwise, Ill just keep setting myself up for disappointment, and everytime something “business” related goes wrong, I’ll feel like its personal in nature. I dont have the energy to invest in deep relationships. This is the “buisness DX” that I have to be.

In response, DJ wrote this:
Yesterday was pretty awkward. I really
wanted to be your friend much more than I wanted to be your coworker
but I also didn’t want to bring you any unwanted attention from various
people in our little area. I bascially just felt like an a-hole all
day. I don’t think I handled the whole situation very well. Like I said
before, my heart really went out to you and it was hard to see them
screw you over like that especially knowing what else you were dealing
with that morning. I don’t know if your decision to keep friends and
people you work with separate implies to me as well but I have to
respect your decision if it does. Personally, I’d much rather be your
friend than your co-worker though, even if it meant my leaving the
company in order to do so. I know I haven’t known you that long or
anything but I really am quite fond of you and it’s way more important
for me to gain a close friend than to keep a lame job.

the letter was very sweet, but the reality of the situation is that our friendship is still new. I dont expect it to evolve overnight, even if we have become close in such a short period of time. At the same time, I told him that I felt really alone yesterday. And it made it clear why I have the people in my life that I do–b/c they are there for me during the big moments. I can say that every one of the peoplel i consider to be my true friends would go to bat for me, no questions asked. That kind of loyalty was what I needed and wanted at that time, and its not really something I felt I could have from a work relationship. Im not saying that couldnt change, but as I said, my relationship w/dj is still new. And it made me feel so alone to realize that I really couldnt go to him after all.

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