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That old familiar feeling

January 6, 2007

I was ok for a while. But I’m back to where I was. I don’t sleep really. Nap here and there, and then I’ll be up all night, exhausted the next day, but unable to sleep. Food=whatever is easiest. Last night I ate popcorn, cheese + crackers, and ice cream.

We went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday today, but for whatever reason, I was on the verge of passing out.

The problem is that I cannot stand to be around people. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I can’t stand being at work, being out with everyone and their loud conversations, or just being anywhere in general that doesn’t involve lots of alcohol. Not that I am trying to self-medicate (I don’t drink alone at home or anything), but I tend to seek out these situations because I realized I have nothing to say to anyone. Nothing. And at least with alcohol around, I can drink and not try to come up with stupid shit to say or come up with stupid responses to stupid shit I have to hear. I just can’t do it anymore.

The Canadian tells me that its probably normal, being that the holidays just happened and all, but it’s as if I’m some rebellious teen trying to get attention for all the crap I feel inside. I am just so angry and annoyed at everyone and everything. And it’s hard to see people maintaining their little lives as if nothing has happened at all. For everyone else, my Dad died months ago. They had their Christmases, their New Years, their whatever. In their lives, my grief and my loss came and went, and for me, its just beginning.

It’s kind of like when you are in a relationship with someone and your lives have gone separate  ways. No matter how much you try, you really can’t connect with that person anymore, and so, you spend endless hours letting the television fill in the long lapses in conversation. There is only silence and anger. Silence because you feel nothing. And anger because you are trying to feel something.

I think I need a fucking hobby or something or I will go nuts. Spike has been a great distraction, but I’m getting bored. Same old fucking conversation. I might as well create a fake myspace of another fake person and then chat back and forth with myself on a fake cell phone number. But that would assume that I’m amusing, when the truth is, I know I’m not right now. Ironically, my fake self would annoy, anger and provoke the other fake self. Actually, that kind of made me chuckle…which probably means I am completely losing it.

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In other news, I keep having dreams about my dad:

i had a dream last night that i was in a plane crash (again)–this time it was with my entire family–my mom, dad, sister, brother. We were on this plane and we were happy bc we were all going someplace fabulous, together, like we did when we were kids, and i just had this sick to the stomach feeling, like something wasn’t right.

I started to panic when the plane took off, and i looked around and everyone was all happy -all the passengers were laughing and joking like they were having the time of their lives, but i kept looking out the window like there was something wrong, or something chasing us. It just felt like doom, and I felt like I knew it was going to happen, and that there was nothing I could do but sit on that plane and watch it happen.

So the plane takes off and im holding my breath just thinking let us get higher then we’ll be ok. Just as we are ascending, the plane starts to lose control. Then it starts rolling. All of a sudden, everyone is screaming like crazy where they were once laughing, and im panicking for a different reason–not really bc im going to die, but bc my family is all together finally again and now we arent going to be able to enjoy our trip together. And then i think well, there’s nothing I can do to prevent us from dying, but if we die,at least we’ll be together, and that won’t be so bad.

The plane rolls and i dont know how or why or what happens but somehow i parachute out, and next thing i know im floating in the sea alone, watching the plane crash into a boat, thinking to myself omg, my family is in there and im watching them die. The plane crashes, the boat sinks theres a huge fire, and i go to swim over there to see if i can find anyone. But I’m not scared, in fact, I’m eerily calm. Funnily enough, in my dream i was thinking thank god i spent so much time in the pool swimming laps bc it is going to come in handy–and for some reason, I feel stronger with each stroke over to the remains of the plane.

At the site of the boat/plane crash, im not scared anymore. And then i see my sister and my brother and my mom and my dad–all floating there…and they are alive waiting for me all calm, as if they always knew we would find each other. I asked them how the hell they got out of the plane, and my sister said, “you know Dad, he can’t just take 1 of anything, he had to take 5. So he got 5 parachutes.” I started laughing bc that was so my dad – he could never buy one useless thing, he had to buy like 10. This time, it saved our lives.

And then my sister said, “Dad would never let us die in that plane, he’s always looking out for us.” I looked at Dad and he had this sheepish grin on his face. “Yeah, Dad would fight til the death to get us those parachutes. No way was he going to sit around and watch us go down with that plane.” When I looked at Dad, I knew that was the truth.

At that moment, I sorta had the realization that I was seeing my Dad in a dream and not in real life bc i was like, oh, Dad, youre here.

I asked if everyone on the plane was ok, and they said no a lot of people had died. It struck me as strange and ironic. They died, but my dad was here? It didn’t make sense. “You can’t die twice,” Dad said. I replied, “but you’re here now.”

We were on borrowed time, and we all knew it. We all kind of looked at each other like, this  could not be worse, yet at the same time, it actually felt ok bc we were all there. I kind of didnt mind that we had to meet under such shitty circumstances.

In the movies, when someone is having a dream – like in total recall or something, there is something in the dream-state that triggers your mind to realize that its all a dream. The moment you see that thing or encounter that thing you are immediately transported to the real world. For me, it was when we were floating in the water, waiting for help, just chit-chatting and my mom told me that they had given our dog away, Shirley, to some guy. I was like, what? shirley? why the fuck woudl you do that? Dad LOVES that dog. Theres NO WAY. and shirley will be so sad she won’t eat! As if that was the most preposterous thing about this entire dream.

That was the trigger. I woke up thinking, this has got to be a fucking dream, bc no way would my dad ever give up shirley.

I also woke up feeling so confused. I’ve had plenty of terrifying plane crash dreams, where I feel nothing but anxiety and horror. But in this one, I felt almost a relief. And strangely, comforted. Like my Dad was there to save me somehow.

I googled several dream dictionaries, even tho I guess this is a not too hard to “interpret”:
People often dream about being in a plane crash, witnessing a crash, or being bombed or shot at from planes. Aeroplanes, like all other vehicles, symbolise a portion of your life’s journey. The part of your life that is represented is usually a memory, material from your unconscious mind, or something that is physically far away from you. Since we use planes to travel to places that are far away, the logical progression of this interpretation is that the aeroplane is symbolic of an event, individuals, or emotions that are either in the past, physically apart from you, or deep in the unconscious and far from conscious thought. Disturbing dreams in which you are being bombed or where you see a bloody crash scene may be trying to bring up issues and feelings that have been buried in the unconscious mind (from the past or the present) but are still powerful and disturbing to the dreamer. The more powerful, vivid, and disturbing this dream is, the greater the necessity to interpret and obtain a satisfactory meaning.
A dream about a crash can also mean you’re feeling things are out of control somehow in your life right now, or a feeling that you’re having bad luck or things just aren’t going your way right now. To dream of witnessing this event is symbolic of feelings of helplessness in the face of a great tragedy.

To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

To dream that you are in a parachute, signifies that you have protection and security during a time in which many risks and turmoil surround you.

Anyway. Weird.

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