still adjusting

yesterday, I drove through the city for the first time since Ive been back. it was almost surprising that I even knew where to go or what street led where. We passed Franklin, and I saw the nail place that Bee and I went to in early May. We drove past J-town where scb and I walked arm in arm on a quiet Wednesday night. We crossed Divisadero where I used to rush back from work to pick up scb at the gym. My mind referred to these moments like a vacation. I felt as if I were returning to a place I had once visited, not a place I live.

Even now, it feels as if I have amnesia. As if Im living a life not my own, with memories that sporadically haunt me, appearing in short intervals to give me a piece of the puzzle of what once was.

I’m starting to remember again, and I guess I have mixed feelings about that. It was easier to be far away.

Months later, Im finally reorganizing my room. All the things that were his, ours, has been neatly tucked away in boxes, books, journals. Letters he wrote me no longer wait to be read by my bedside. I guess that means I’m moving on. Even though just being here seems so foreign without him.

I wonder how it will be for him when he visits this week. I wonder if it will all come flooding back as if he had never left. I wonder if he’ll remember me/us in a different way than he does now.

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