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April 3, 2004

i havent told my parents the news yet.

i didnt call my EX.

In fact, i only told C. and Zakk. And then whoever reads this journal.

and i have yet to talk to scb. i dont know why, but i dont want to talk to him. which is stupid b/c hes one of the few people i know who listens to me blabber incessantly and who is able to motivate me and make me feel better.

After talking w/C, I just turned off my phone. I didnt want to hear people telling me they were sorry or that i was too good for this blah blah. I appreciate the sentiments, but i dont want to feel sorry for myself, b/c, well, I don’t. Am I pissed? yes. Am i disappointed? yes. Am I skeptical of anyone who lives in the East Bay (priceline guy, excluded)? fuck yeah. But I dont know, I feel strangely okay about the whole thing.

This is the part where I babble about the meaning of life and having people who love you and blah blah. Instead ill just say that this doesnt really change much for me in terms of what matters and who matters and who loves me and who i love. so in that sense, not much has changed. Im not about to justify this by saying stupid neophilosophical shit about how it builds characters or how im learning some big life altering lesson. Bc fuck it. the point is i feel like an idiot for trusting these dickheads when ive already been burned before, but at the same time im not going to let said dickheads change who i am. Its like hating france or something. The govt blows, dude, but god the food and the people are great.

That made no sense.

anyway, not like im miss optimism but I guess the main reason i dont want to talk to scb is b/c i dont want to be consoled. i mean, i know he cares about me and he wants to make it better, but at the same time I cant hear another “sorry” or “youre too good for that.” what happened happened, and the sooner i stop hearing about it the better it will be.

on the other hand, drei2 emailed me the sweetest letter ever. i told him the news. told him to save the sympathy for more pressing world issues, and he wrote back with an email that nearly moved me to tears. actually it makes me misty to read it. which, in its own right is kind of embarrassing. but going back to what i said previousl–shit happens. as long as i still have people like C, like scb, like zakk, like drei2, like m, like my sis, etc in my life…then everything is all good.

hows that for nice and gay. just the way i like it.

P.S.:
(dear Life,
just fyi, if this was the lesson i was supposed to learn from all of this, then i just wanted to let you know i got it. like i really really got it this time around, so could you please drop all the bullshit and let me win the lottery and travel the world and become a super famous movie star with a house on the mediterranean? preciate it.
thx,
mgmt.)

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