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sigh

October 7, 2004

today, on the way to get coffee, i had a moment of realization that I was happy. finally. and for once, that didnt center around the person I was dating.

scb and I have our morning chats, and our sunday talks. I wish I had more interaction; sometimes I wish he was the person i came home to, but he’s not, and I think Im ok with what we have now.

getting along well with “my boys” at work. today my right-hand man (actually he knows way more than me and is extremely talented–more than i could ever hope to be) and I had a strange moment of recognition–where we both said the same weird phrase, and then kind of looked at each other like, “heeeyyyy…I thats what *I*always say!” Whats cool about coworkers is that you can, for the first time, be friends and only friends with guys–no pressure of anything else. i like that. I like that we can connect and not have it be weird and awkward.

sigh. it feels wrong to be happy though b/c i know other people, in particular, C, are sad and going through some shitty times and I dont know what its like, but then I totally can relate. Last 2 yrs of my life were hell–bulding up to the point where I thought my head was going to explode. didnt eat. didnt sleep. felt sick all the time. felt like I wanted to crawl under my covers, close my eyes, and let the world do its thing–me excluded.

now i find myself here. surprisingly. somehow i find my way out of all that (at least I hope so). and somehow it all makes sense in an unexplained way. I guess im still amazed. Still looking over my shoulder.

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