came to the (sad) realization last night that unless scb decides on his own to be with me, ill never be satisfied with the type of communication we’ve been having. in other words, i feel like for 6 emails or text messages I send, I get one short sentence in return. i know we’re supposed to be “separated” and “thinking about things” but there are things that are going on in my life, or things that I think about that I want to–need to–talk to him about. And I can’t.

furthermore, i was thinking about the future, and realized that he hasnt even considered me as part of it. after this stint in nyc, hes going to fall on his law school safety net b/c he can’t think of anything better to do w/his life, and law is a respectable degree. (yawn. predictable. how many people in the world really need to go to law school? why is that always the solution? i swear i know so many people who are applying or want to go. what gives?) anyway, factoring that into the equation means he doesnt plan on returning to ca anytime soon. which made me think–its always been about him and whats best forhim, never whats best for us.

which led me to question–should I cut off all contact with him? if he wants me in his life he’ll come to me? if not, i need to move forward and stop desperately hanging onto every shred of communication he gives me. this is pathetic. im just tired of fighting.

coincidentally, i had a disturbing dream last night. dont know where i was, but somehow scb and I were having a reunion. I was so excited to see him and was getting together all my things to leave with him. I left to get some more of my belongings and came back to find him with a sad look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and before he even said it, i knew that it wasnt good. He started off slowly, “well, the thing is…i just dont see us getting married?” I just stood there. Who the fuck ever brought up marriage. we were together. isnt that all that mattered? I stopped cold and stared at him, “so what are you saying then?” He confirmed what I thought he was saying–he couldn’t see himself with me–not then, not in the future. At first i sucked it up and said “fine, whatever.” but then I becam overwhelmed with anger, calling him a liar. All this time he had pretended that everything was ok and then when we were finally able to be together he had this to tell me? i yelled at him, “YOU ARE A FUCKING BASTARD AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I HATE YOU!” I dont recall what happened after that except he was looking at me w/such sad eyes. possibly crying. I was too filled with rage to care. I remember feeling somewhat guilty for yelling at him, but then at the same time, it felt so good. As M said–he needs to know how he hurt you. Sigh. The sad thing is, I doubt he ever will.

EDITOR’S NOTE 10/16/15: Something like this actually played out in real life, though several months in the future. My subconscious must have known all along. Cringe. As I am merging all my old blogs into this space and going through and reformatting old entries, I am finding these entries painful — as in painfully embarrassing — to read again, sometimes for the first time since writing them. Painful in that you can see what’s coming from a mile away, but when you’re in it… I wish he had said it sooner though because this was the worst, lingering, idiotic break up ever and I think I clung onto it because my brain wouldn’t accept how quickly he was able to go from saying ‘I love you” literally one week prior, then completely brush me off the moment I was out of the picture, and then lie to me and hook up with some chick a couple months later (oh yeah, that’s coming). I felt betrayed and I didn’t want to believe that I had dated someone like that so I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, over and over and over, as you will see play out over and over in the upcoming posts. It was completely pathetic on my part, and I really regret the time I wasted on him. I guess everyone has that one person they dated that they regret dating. Unfortunately I have two – scb and the loser “bad boy” (who was always in trouble with the law) I dated as a teenager. 

The only saving grace about going through all these old blog posts is that in some of the earlier posts I finally remembered why I liked him in the first place, which was almost surprising because after all this time I had only remembered this relationship as being all around terrible. He had potential to be a good bf, I think, but ultimately, I let that belief that he could be better — that I could ‘change him’ overshadow the facts that stared me in the face: he never made time for me, he was painfully insecure on so many levels (serial one-night stand type of person), he was extremely self-centered, and outside of his parents’ divorce, I don’t think he ever had experienced heartbreak. Up until that point, I was his most significant relationship, which was obvious because he was so damn clueless. The only reason I think our ‘relationship’ even (barely) worked is because were were two drifters that happened to meet in a new city at just the right moment in time. Outside of that, we didn’t have much in common. Spoiler alert: it gets worse before it gets better.

In retrospect, the worst part of this whole thing is how I let it — him — affect all my relationships with guys after him. As luck would have it, I met a lot of great guys after scb, but I was too stupid to realize it and fucked them all up in one way or another.  On the other hand, it was after this relationship, which, btw, ended the same way as my prior relationships: guy moves away, we try LDR, they break up with me, I find out they are with another girl almost immediately after — and it made my dumb brain finally realize that maybe the problem was ME — that I kept going for the wrong guys — and that if I kept going for these same emotionally unavailable guys, self-centered guys, I would always get the same result. After this relationship, I also learned that life was too short to let a stupid guy make you feel shitty and that ‘being single’ was way better — way more fun — than being with the wrong person. 

Thankfully, after blowing so many chances post-scb, Life gave me another chance at love — and even then I almost fucked it up. Luckily, Sly stuck around.

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