I am not a phone person. I rarely recieve calls, make calls, or pick up the phone. Today, however, I received no fewer than 15 phone calls. Some were from recruiters, some were from HR departments, some were from an airline, one was from the optometrist, one was from some dude whos number I didn’t recognize. And then there was “Unavailable.”
I didn’t answer because I wasn’t around. When I saw the blinking light, I thought it was this mystery dude who had been trying to call me on my cell and work repeatedly. I notice this time, someone left a message. I listened to it.
It was not what I expected.
A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor and on a whim had some bloodwork done (“well, why not, since I’m here!” I said). My dr told me that I shouldn’t expect to hear from her unless something was wrong. “If something is wrong, believe me, I will be calling you until I get in touch with you.”
All of a sudden, my brain froze. Wait. Was THAT what all those missed calls were? Was it my doctor frantically trying to get in touch with me? My heart stopped. Fuck.
In the time it took for me to get ahold of her again, I had to sit through a last minute meeting (anxiously clutching my cell phone). Prior to that, just after I listened to the message, I contacted NG, worried. He started to panic. We started to google all the possibilities. There were some things that I could rule out as definite nonpossibilities (um, like STDS, I’m not a slut so get your mind out of the gutter), and a bunch of other stuff. There was really no way to tell. Googling probably made it worse. 2 people googling probably made it the one of the most unbearable 1.5 hrs of my life. It could be anything.
And in that short time, my mind started racing…ok, what if its the worst case scenario like cancer…what am i going to do? but I feel fine. but dont people who get cancer always say that? fuck im going to be patrick swayze. no no its probably something stupid and she just wants to tell me as procedure. no, but why would she call me like 90 times then? what if i need to be treated for some disease and then my company folds and i dont have insurance and then no insurance will pick me up bc i have an existing problem? is this seriously happening like right now? well…i have been feeling really out of it lately…ever since I got the flu…wait…the flu…maybe it wasn’t the flu after all…maybe it was meningitis…no wonder my neck hurt dammit i should have gone to the doctor. No ok, just relax…wait for the call and deal with it then.
I left work early and ran to a quiet place nearby…and waited…and waited…and waited. Then the phone rang. My doctor.
I could tell by the initial hello that it was going to be ok. She explained that one of the tests had come back “abnormal,” and that they had then tested further for x,y, and z. Those tests all, oddly enough, registered negative. If there’s such thing as a “normal abnormality” this would be it. Without going into exact details, she said the possibilities of me having cancer were extremely low given these tests for x,y, and z had came back negative, but that she would need to keep testing periodically. If, after a few years or so, there is no change, then everything is fine, and that I shouldn’t worry because these are extremely precautionary measures. I only pieced that together well-after the conversation was over–all I heard was “cancer” and “negative.”
God dude. All I know is that I thought my head was literally going to explode. As she spoke to me, my eyes kind of watered a bit out of sheer relief. I called up NG who was waiting impatiently by the phone. He told me that he couldnt breathe for the last hour or so, and that he felt sick to his stomach. We didn’t speak for a long time. And then we both sighed, as if we had summited Mt. Evrest 3 times in 1 day.
I know there is a moral to the story here, and its one I already know, and one that we already know, so I won’t cheese out or inject the meaning of life into this post. But something like this really brings it all home–what matters, what doesn’t, etc etc etc. Not that I needed to be reminded, thank you very much, Life. But this has been a crazy day out of a crazy week out of a crazy month out of a crazy year out of a crazy fucked-up past 7 years. In all this craziness, I wouldn’t have been terribly surprised if the news wasn’t in my favor.
Maybe this means that I am very very lucky after all
