NG accepted the offer as presented today for the DC job. After this, a series of tests, and then I guess we can set a date. I’m freaking out just a bit. Moments where I stop myself and think, crap, this is probably the last time I’ll be doing that here, or crap, I wonder how many more chances I’ll get to see this view from my garden. I wonder how I’ll feel when I come back to visit, and this place no longer feels like home.
Damn you, Sentiment.
The Canadian pointed out that I downplayed how much I hate my job in my last post. So, for the record — I don’t just hate my job, I loathe it in a way that has made me really reconsider what I want to do in life. Every morning, I dread waking up to go to work. I have to pump myself up, forcing myself to think of baby milestones that will get me through the day: if i can just get some coffee, I’ll be good, ok, I’ll just surf the net for the first hr at work, it won’t be so bad, ok, just a few more hours until lunch, ok, half way point, just 4 more hours to go, ok get to 3pm, and you can have a diet dp, ok 45 minutes to go start shutting down. This is literally how I get through each and every day. I dread it because every day is a firedrill, every day I feel like I’m worthless, and at least once a week, I hide in this little hidden cubby hole behind my cube where nobody can see me, and cry. I don’t even know why. I have never ever hated a job more. Ever. I hate everything about it — what I do, leadership, the people in my office, the way we are treated. Like I said, I loathe my job with intensity.
I’ve been trying to hold on until the wedding, but if we move to DC, I’m going to take the time between jobs to just get it together. This doesn’t seem like a normal situation to me (work-wise). I need to figure out how to change it, so at the very least, I’m indifferent about work, rather than completely unable to tolerate it. I think part of it is, I need to find a new path in life, career-wise. Another part is, I’m probably always going to hate working in a corporate environment (or quite possibly, maybe any environment), I just need to try and find something different. Really different. Not just same job, different company, different place.
With the knowledge that I am most likely moving to DC before end of year in the back of my head, work has been completely different. It’s almost funny now, the way it is so ridiculous. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have a positive outlook (I don’t), but it’s amazing how different things are when you don’t feel trapped, when I know in the back of my head I could just say fuck it, I quit, truly at any given moment. I’ll wait for the official contract to come through though, until I start really fucking around.
Looking through old photos makes me sad to leave all over again. In my head, I can’t imagine living anywhere else. But thinking of leaving my job as a perk of moving somewhere new: totally worth it.
Living in another city is slowly (very slowly) starting to sink in and feel less dream-like. I’m going to do what I don’t normally ever do, and focus on the good things my last months here (providing everything goes off as planned). For example, today, I caught a glance out my window on the 10th floor of my building — one I’ve seen a million times, and one I rarely notice anymore. I stopped what I was doing. Pulled up the shades, and just sat there and stared. I really do have, and have had, a great view.