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maybe we should just elope

August 20, 2009

something we’ve been thinking of – but have told only a few people – we’ve been thinking of moving. to denver. I dont know where the idea generated–I think we were trying to find a place that combined outdoorsy stuff with some semblance of city life. we started researching real estate, cost of living, schools, things to do, where to live. we started dreaming of a life we could potentially live away from the madness and douchiness of the city.

and then ng randomly was talking to his navy buddy one sunday afternoon. the topic of jobs came up, and his friend told him about a job out in denver — his boss would be some retired navy admiral — its something he has been curious about doing, pay would be really good — combined with the reduced cost of living i essentially wouldn’t need to work, although i probably would.

we were all gung-ho on this idea for several weeks. but the more time passed, the more san francisco wrapped here viney fingers around us more and more, pulling us away from this idea, and making us second-guess ourselves.

my reservations:
will moving to colorado be too small town?
if we move, shouldnt we move closer to family?
am i going to be bored there?
what will i do for a living?
what if his job doesnt pay as well as he thinks or he can’t support me

things that could be exciting:
owning a house
being able to go outside and be surrounded by nature
laid back, relaxed life that we have talked about
access to so many national parks, new things to do

i’m waivering back and forth. talks with ng’s job contacts have been going well, so the opportunity could be there. I’m kind of freaked out by the thought of moving. When we dreamed about a place like denver, i meant for the dream to take place in the future, not tomorrow, or the next week, or even the next month.

last night, ng came home frustrated with all the things people are frustrated with: work, his boss, the commute, etc. he brought up denver again, and I said i dont want to discuss denver as an escape for him bc if we uproot and go there, im the one that is going to have to figure it out. he asked me about our dreams, asked me if they were all talk. I said, no, but i want to make a logical decision for both of us, when the time is right — not bc he had a bad day at work. he said we weren’t getting any younger, that ive talked about kids and needing a slower lifestyle. and i said, why are we talking about kids — we arent even married.

pause.

so that’s what’s holding us back then" um. thats a pretty big thing to hold us back.

i can feel change on the horizon, i can taste it in the air. if theres something i know, have known, is that something will change in my life this year, whether its me changing careers, ng changing jobs, or us changing our relationship. im ready to make one of those changes, but not like all 5 at once in the span of several months.

if we move to denver, i think id do it if i was married for the sake of benefits and legalities, esp if im not going to be working for a while. gulp. am i saying this? but i dont want to rush through that. there are things that we still need to work out as far as that is concerned. i dont care about having a wedding and all that, but that is the first major step before I can think about all the others. when he mentioned that last night, i half expected him to propose right then and there. and i think that really freaked us both out.

earlier this week, we were looking at lofts in sf to buy. and now, denver is back as a topic.

spin the wheel, i guess. see where it lands.

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