The most bizarre ending (??) to the most bizarre and most short-lived, intense, deep “friendship” ever–
Ziggy and I met for dinner. I dont know what it was, but I guess things were different. Maybe it was the restaurant, the atmosphere, the unsettled plans after dinner, the fact that we both just got off work and were tired and transitioning, that we hadnt seen or really held a deep conversation in so long…
all these things somehow led us to the point where we were sitting in his car, in front of my house, deciding to call it quits, yet hesitant to say goodbye.
Im shocked, a bit sad, confused, rejected on some level, disappointed, and maybe somewhat relieved. Its unfortunate we never got to transcend that intial awkwardness that comes with getting to learn and know about someone b/c we did have a strange and rare connection.
In my confusion, Im trying to replay the evening so that I can pinpoint the moment when the miscommunication that led to our downfall occurred. I think it was when I said I could never date him b/c I couldnt deal w/the long bouts of silence; the frequent travels to far away places that never included me. Maybe, for him, hearing that and seeing me highlighted his admitted insecurity –that a true relationship would be hard to maintain given his current situation. And even though he said he wanted only friendship, maybe this was the final rejection–the moment when he lost all hope.
I feel many emotions associated w/a breakup, except without all the history and drama and, well, relationship. Its weird that a few weeks ago, we were telling each other how close we felt to one another, and now, we are so so far apart.
Elaborations will come later. Here’s the email he sent me when he got home:
I want to apologize for my insensitive comment. I don’t think that you’re a
bitch, or cold. For what it’s worth, I think you’re great. I have really
enjoyed the time that we have spent together, enjoyed your wit and candor,
and I am honestly disappointed with how things turned out.
I can’t exactly explain my reaction or decision tonight, I guess because I
don’t understand it myself. Maybe I felt self-conscious because of your
initial rejection, or maybe I felt that our friendship was untenable because
of our respective circumstances. Like I said, it’s still unclear to me,
but, a moment arose which I was unable to move beyond.
I know this is all rather melodramatic for what was essentially a brief
series of interactions with a veritable stranger. But, at times, I did feel
a connection with you, a compatibility of experience and humor which, for me
at least, does not come along all too often.
Anyway, I am sorry, for my inconsiderate statement, and for the loss of your
So absolutely confused.
I seriously could not make this stuff up.