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lets be friends

May 17, 2004

it started out as making dinner plans tonight. scb starts work tomorrow but has to finish reading this book thing for work. he wanted to grab dinner at 9pm and watch sopranos at 10. I asked him if he wanted me to stay the night, warning me he had to get up at 630. After making some calculations, I realized that meant we were only spending 2 hrs together.

Then he told me that he was going to sacramento tomorrow, and that he may or may not be back.

I said i just didnt know where this was going, and how already he’s having trouble making time for me. He said this is what normal couples do. And I said, work, yes, but leave in less than 2 weeks? no. thats not normal. also not normal is having the only free weekend of his tied up w/a stupid going away party thrown by roomies and friends that I dont want to have any part of. I dont want to deal w/smiley people patting him on the back and talking about nyc.

Im too exhausted to transcribe the whole conversation. he said he wanted to take a break when he moved there and be friends. I said I didn’t want to be his friend but that its all I get so what the hell am i supposed to do? He said he didnt want to be friends either but he didnt know what else to do; what was “realistic” in terms of our relationship. last time we talked, I told him that I didnt want any surprises in the LD, meaning, I didnt want to not know if he was seeing someone and then just wake up one mornign with SURPRISE Ive moved on. Its the same reason I dont want to be his friend. b/c while i value that part of our relationship, I also have 2 exes as friends, who Ive never been able to completely let go until the moment they moved on. And of course, when they do, and I do, then they come back. But i dont want to live my life like that anymore, hanging onto every shred of every thing he says, hoping that theres some meaning in it all.

I told him it didnt feel right to me. That its not fair that 2 people who want to be together, can’t, or won’t. Im not talking about life not being fair, b/c what ever is. But we have it in our power to be together when we still want to be together, and we aren’t. That makes no sense to me.

scb said he went to get his hair cut today and the barber asked him if he was depressed. Scb asked how he knew, and the barber said, “Its obvious”

SCB said he spent the rest of the day in sunglasses, going in and out of sadness. He was sad when the barber cut his hair–sad that he took too much off, sad that it represented he was moving on, moving away, starting something new, leaving so much behind.

He began to cry again on the phone with me, when he told me that he wanted to at least say good bye before he left. He said he knew that I may not call him or write him in nyc, but he hoped that i would at least respond when he did. He said he wanted to be friends w/me, even though he knew it was selfish, b/c he hoped there was still a future. I said you rarely get a second chance. He said he knew.

So Im torn between wanting to be with him, to taking whatever I can get from him in terms of time and friendship/relationship, and just wanting it to be over already so I can move on. I can’t function like this anymore. All I think about is him and us and goodbye.

I just want to stop feeling so sad.

I feel like Im 15 and in high school again.

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