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friday

April 8, 2005

this week–crazy again. the weather has been rainy, then sunny, then pouring, then balmy, then foggy, then clear. And its so fitting.

I think I’m over my office crush (so high school). It was fun while it lasted. I think DJ was kind of jealous when I told him, but not really b/c he wanted me, more b/c he couldnt figure out how this guy was getting so much attention. Also, according to DJ, he doesn’t have a gf. perplexing. shrug. over it.

Last night–had a wonderful dinner w/Drei2. I had an amazing meal–spicy samosas, lobster w/mushrooms and a butter cake w/raspberries. We drove home both giddy and completely inebriated (at least I was). Sometimes there is nothing better in the world then a clear night, loud music, and watching the lights of the city speed by in that hazy, fucked up state.

Today, it dawned on me, that DJ would be leaving in a week, and I got all sad. I know our friendship has been through the emotional ringer, but at the end of the day, the reason we have such a tension at times is b/c we do have such a connection. We laughed at how things have come full circle, as I spent most of the day sitting next to him at his desk while he passed on all the complicated things that I need to know, and will now be taking over. It was like when I first started–when I was so confused about so many things. I was so unsure as to what I was doing, and scared as hell to be there. Thank God I had him those first few weeks–the first few months.

It made me sad to think how simple it seemed then. How the hell did our friendship become so complicated and so distant and so tense? When did that happen? And will we keep in touch now that hes moving on to bigger and better things? Will this make our friendship stronger or will we surrender to the fact that we have to make a concerted effort to see one another?

I know he’s only going a few blocks away, but its like when youre in high school and you graduate to college…and you tell all your high school friends that everything will be the same, that youll always be friends. And then 5 yrs later, you’re no longer in touch or youve grown so far apart, that it doesnt make sense to exist in the others life. I know he’ll just be working down the street, but I’ll miss having him on the other side of my cube, talking about stupid shit, laughing about pretty much everything. I’ll miss that physical closeness that you have when you see someone 8 hours a day.

*sigh*

If Im this nostalgic now, next Friday is going to be even worse. I anticipate a lot of hugging, and a lot of misty eyes.

editor’s note 1/24/13: I had not read this post since I wrote it, so when I transferred it to my new blog (prior to here) and re-read it for the first time since then it surprised me to discover how apparent it was that I had very strong feelings for DJ at the time. And how obvious it was that he had feelings for me too. It probably seems completely evident but I swear at the time I was so painfully and utterly clueless. I have no idea why I denied it or why nothing ever happened except maybe I was just too young and too stupid to admit my feelings way back then, and most likely still so hung up on my exes. And deep down, after a string of failed torturous failed relationships, I think I really wanted to explore life as a singleton.

I wanted to comment on this post because I wanted to update what happened after he left. I was right: things never returned to what they were, and in retrospect I think him leaving — in addition to career growth — was his way of dealing with all the tension we had in our ‘friendship.’ I think at some point he just wanted to distance himself from me, and he was absolutely right to do so. Once he left, our friendship became more difficult to maintain. We chatted from time to time and went to each others’ birthday parties, but somewhere along the line it completely vanished. When my dad passed away and he didn’t offer any condolence, I wrote him out of my life almost completely.

We have since become facebook friends. He’s married and happy and I’m happy for him. To this day, I still really miss his friendship because we both shared a very dark (yet hilarious to us) sense of humor, and we laughed a lot. He was one of the few people I’ve ever met (my hubs and C being the other two) who I could really talk to about not-so-happy things. But then, two fucked up people with a dark view of life rarely ever work out.

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