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final bow

June 1, 2001

i fell into bed today at 7:45 am. I felt relief, exhaustion, happiness, and sadness. And all this from moving. Go figure.

The final moments in my place were anticlimatic. It felt like my home was no longer my own. Like I was just there to clean up this empty shell of a place. Our connection was lost. I think both it and I were ready now for that next stage.

Still, the ceremonial closing and locking of the door for the last time felt weird. Like my life flashed before my eyes. Everything came flowing back and I felt as if I were watching my life replay in front of me. Highlights from my life.

When I looked at the counter top, now a clean blue plane, I saw M and me carving his first pumpkin one Halloween. I saw my computer with me in front of it, staying up so late working on a project, listening to crappy non-cable broadcasts. I saw the warmth of my bed and me lying there alone, on my side, writing endless journal entries, reading countless Harry Potter books, planning trips to Spain and France. And I saw the couch where I watched bad movies with R (apparently ones she’s already seen), where RM and I yelled at the TV, where JJ and I sat and talked, where P called me for the first time.

I tried to remember the way things were, just for memories’ sake, and then I closed the door. I was ready now.

Exit stage right.

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