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Day 168

January 31, 2004

The long-awaited talk

SYNOPSIS:
Drove to Miss Chinatown pageant. Tried to find parking to no avail. SCB dropped me off to buy tickets (we feared they were sold out). I negotatiated w/some lady who had extra tickets to get $30 tix for $20. Pageant was 2-3hrs long w/no intermission and lots of commentating in chinese (which was kind of bizarre considering the interview portion of the contest was entirely in english) and lots of boring singing and dancing. 2 best comments of the night from the people behind us: 1. she’s singing so slow–its putting all the old people to sleep! (audience consisted of 90% senior citizens) 2. DAMN! Shes soooo skiiiinnny!!! It was fun though, even if there were times when we were completely bored out of our skulls. The “Talent and Showmanship” portion was so godawful. The “fitness and strength” segment was so weird (how do these girls weigh like 60 pounds?). And the interview segment was hilarious. The first question was something like, “If there was no such thing as a monkey king, what animal would you use to replace the monkey king?” We died. Second question: “There has been an outbreak in the chicken industry as of late. As you know, chinese people like to sacrifice chickens. What would you use instead of chicken?” I dont remember one of the questions, but the girl timidly answered. The audience had checked out by that point, and there was a long lull of silence. At which point the girl stammered…”and…I want to thank God…for all his blessings.” which made me and the audience laugh b/c it was such a cop out rally the audience type answer. She should have followed it with, “San Francisco rox!” Then there were questions that had the obvious crowd-pleaser answer. For example: If the United States were going to create a new national holiday, what should it be? or “President Bush has been interested in cultivating mars. which of the following would you choose to grow there? 1. Potatoes. 2. RICE or 3. Wheat?” Die. Most bizarre question: If you had your face on a postage stamp, which would it be? 39c, $4.45, or $14.75 stamp? WHAT??? There was only 1 normal question–which I thought was a hard question to answer, considering: ‘which historical figure, past or present, do you like or dislike most?” Tell me, how does that compare to the question about the monkey king?

Afterwards scb and I walked to the Mark Hopkins hotel to see if we could score some dessert. I went to the bathroom and when I came back, scb had somehow sweet-talked the concierge. She called upstairs to the Top of the Mark and allowed us V.I.P. entry into the lounge. The club manager was very very attentive–and the whole staff treated us like movie stars. We sat in a beautiful, romantic, candle-lit corner table, overlooking all of san francisco, and we listened to live jazz and ate our fabulously overpriced desserts. It was elegant , breathtaking, and hard not to be swept up in the moment. Later, I found out that scb had slipped the staff some money.

Scb talked nonstop about school. Finally, he noticed my spacing out and said, “am i talking too much about school?’ I responded, “its not that you talk too much about it, its just that its weird for me to hear these things.” Hence began our first serious discussion regarding our relationship.

HIGHLIGHTS:
* he said that he had to make a decision independent of me/us. The moment he realized the conversation was swinging towards this topic, scb quickly reached over to grab my hand, I guess to make it known that he did care…BUT…
*I told him that b/c of all the uncertainty, I have a hard time knowing what to feel for him, and at times feel distant.
*He acknowledged that it must be hard for me, but that he remained undecided. Then he brought up that he has been confused by our relationship for 2 reasons. 1. that I never call him (this actually made me laugh) and 2. That sometimes he feels Im indifferent to him and to spending time w/him. Which I agreed with. This is probably true, although I wouldnt say indifferent, I would say more that I, too, was uncertain, for different reasons.
*We agreed that our behavior, and means of communication differed and promoted the others confusion
*SCB reiterated that he cared for me over and over, and then alluded to a future together
*I subtly brought up the idea that I could make a decision instead of him. He understood right away what I was saying and adamantly disagreed. He said that if I made a decision, there was only 1 outcome–that we dont see each other. But he said that if I waited for his decision, there could be several outcomes that didnt result in ending the relaitonship
*which led me to tell him that I didnt like feeling as if I was constantly holding my breath, waiting for him to make the decision. then i pulled examples from past relationships
*to which scb said that he shouldnt be penalized for what happened in my past, b/c he’s not them. And of course, he cares about me, and his intention is not to hurt me.
*which still leads us to the original point that I feel shafted, no matter what happens, Im the one picking up the pieces, and I felt it was unfair of him b/c I felt I had to compromise in a huge way when he could just have his cake and eat it too. I said that I couldnt give him 110% when it comes to the relationship b/c it doesnt make sense to invest everything I have into something that may or may not work out
*I told him that I forsaw the inevitable–which he tried to tell me was not the case–that he would go to school, and then I would be like, oh well, that was fun. He said nothing was inevitable b/c he had no idea what decision he was going to make.
*then he talked about me making a decision further down the line–if it came to that. Im guessing that would be the LD decision. Which i highly doubt will happen. He also asked me about my plans for the future, and if I intended to stay in SF forever. If it came down to it, Im not moving, thanks.

In conclusion, Im glad that these things are now out in the open. That is a big relief. But I still feel tense about the whole thing. It still feels unresolved, and I guess will remain that way until all the decisions have been made. It bothered me that he said he had to make a decision w/out thinking of me. I mean, I know what he was trying to say, and I know that if I were in his position, that would be the logical thing to say/think, but I told him that it made me feel like I didnt matter. And yes, i know i do and i know he cares and all this other stuff, but still. Again, he acknowledged this and said he realized it must be really difficult for me.

So I guess the future still looms as one big question mark. Maybe we just touched the tip of the iceberg. I guess we both sort of decided we wanted to continue our relationship, but what to do about all those feelings of uncertainty and doubt? How to overcome those? I still have no idea.

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