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cruel cruel twist of fate

May 22, 2004

scb told me he loved me–twice.

when i asked him why he never said it before, he responded, “b/c you never said it to me.”

How am i gonna tell him that when he was all flighty for the first…what…5 months of our relationship, and then, just when i started to feel settled, decided to book it to nyc? not only was I confused about how I felt, but confused about what was going on–all around confused. additionally, scb rarely told me how he felt in general about us–always felt it was up in the air–that we were just “having fun.”

I aske scb if that was how he felt, and he said yes. “Since when?” I asked. “Since around Valentines day, I wanted to tell you.

dammit why didnt you tell me this before???? Do you know how much time we wasted? How much time I wasted wondering what was going on? How different things could have been. How much closer we could have been? And now I find this out, less than a week before you’re about to leave for nyc for good? Am I in a fucking Shakespeare tragedy or what?

I guess a piece of me always thought it, but always second-guessed. when he told me, we were at Fresca having dinner. And just to hear that, to know that, brought us so much closer than Ive ever felt before. We were gayer than gay–holding each other and making gaga eyes and with the biggest clown faced grins ever. No speaking. Just staring like dork-os in our own little world.

so now what? we’re official love doves. and he’s leaving. fucking brilliant.

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