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October 5, 2004

my first day of work. weird. scary. fun. strange. exciting. nervewracking. so many interesting aspects of company culture. also amazed at my ability to make small talk these days as if i were someones best fucking buddy. its like an out of body experience–i know im doing it, but in my head and heart, im thinking, this is totally not me.

anyway.

ziggy picked me up after work and drove me to the dealership to get my car. he seemed to be in a strange mood, almost intentionally antagonistic and being that the first 30 min. or so of our interaction always seems stranged and awkward, I felt a bit uneasy. Out of nowhere he told me that he had come to a revelation that he no longer had any interest in me. “you might think that its always been the case, but I guess somewhere inside of me, i still had hoped for something to come of it all. but now, i just wanted to let you know that im done thinking that way, and we’re just friends,” he said.


maybe it was the power of suggestion or reverse psychology, but it almost felt like a slap to the face–even though i dont really want things to progress in that direction at this point. i almost felt like he was saying it to spite me, or to gauge my reaction, or to somehow say, look you dont like me and I dont like you either, so there.

needless to say, it was a bit of a tense moment, as least on my end.

still, we ended up having dinner together. probably more b/c he was in the city and bc it seemed strange to just leave it at that. he asked me to take him to my fav. restaurant in my neighborhood, and so we ended up at aziza.

we were the first people to arrive at 6pm, and the last to leave at 1030pm. Somehow it always seems to end up that way.

i gave him a little gift for his bday–a comic book compilation. i dont know him all that well, but hes this writer type who isnt well-versed in comics and i figured at the very least if he hated it, he could give it to me. but he loved it, and he said that he was notoriously known as being someone who was hard to shop for/buy gifts for, which i found so strange b/c i had a million and one ideas for gifts for him, i just picked the book b/c it was the easiest and most available at the time.

the unexpected gift seemed to break the ice. we talked more about our relationship and it was all very honest and without sarcasm and grown up and i asked him why he would want to hang out with me now that he had no desire for more than friendship. he said he enjoyed spending time with me, that it was fun, that he always has a good time. He asked me the same question and I said that I enjoyed his company, and that I didnt know anyone else like him. And if there was a studio audience, it would have “awwed” at that moment and we would have hugged, and fade to black.

one conversation led to another. we began talking about deeper things–the stuff you share with your most intimate friends. and i guess we have a lot more in common than i imagined or thought possible. i think all of this is so strange. maybe 2 months down the road we will have used each other up, but at this moment, it felt like such a relief to have met someone who understood me on a level that very few people, if any, ever do. As I told my friend, R, its like when you read a book or you watch a movie and there is a part that is so pertinent and so touching that all of a sudden it feels like you are closer to finding out some greater meaning, like theres one more piece of the puzzle that has been given to you. thats how it felt with ziggy. we had that mutual recognition, and at least on my part, it gave me a strange sense of belonging.

we had nightcaps after dessert. the funny story about that was we decided to pick the other persons drinks from a long list of specialty drinks. we looked at the menu, made our choices, and didnt tell the other. I said to him, “what if we pick the same drink?” He responded, “then we’ll just run off to vegas and get married.”

so. we picked the same drink.

it was funny as it was uncanny, and I guess thats how I would describe my relationship w/ziggy. there are so many things I appreciate about him as a person. i def think that we were meant to meet and that already he has impacted my life on some level. Im just not sure about the more than friends. and anyways, thats out of the picture for now, which Im glad for, b/c what could potentially develop seems so much more real and longlasting. Im not saying it wont happen, that i dont contemplate it, whatever. Im just saying im not ready for it now. and maybe thats lifes cruel joke, but as my sister said, theres no point at rushing into anything.

as right as all of this seems, it also feels right to me to hold off from involving myself with anyone –to accept that I still have feelings for scb and that im not yet over that.

the night ended, yet again, prematurely. I think we could have talked until the sun came up. he walked me to my car and we sort of stared at each other. then we gave each other the typical awkward hug, and then parted with they typical sarcastic comment.

sigh. its been a long and fulfilling day.

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