back and forth

so…this weekend…

it wasn’t that it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t like some whisked away moment of utter bliss. maybe that was what i was expecting, since Austin was really really good, and I was hoping that we’d build upon that.

maybe its just me, I dont know. Been moody lately and nostalgic for my ‘old life.’ It’s pointless to wish for this–the time before October 15, 2006–but I still long for it. I long for the times when I was just a stupid dorky teenager–when you just had all the time in the world and everything was so new and undiscovered.

I don’t know how this applies to my psuedo-relationship w/me and NG, except that I kept thinking about that this weekend. Old me. And wondering how I could get some part of that back, and how, if it even did, how NG fit into the scheme of things.

At Sea Ranch, where we rented this amazing house in the middle of semi-solitude on a meadow overlooking the ocean, I found myself wishing I were alone with my thoughts, and found myself wondering what it would have been like with each of my exes–would I have been happier? Sadder? Disappointed? Blissful? Whatever it was, I couldn’t allow myself to be present in the moment, and I don’t know why.

I carried this doubt with me throughout the weekend. Is it weird that I still don’t know what to do or how to feel? Should this be an indication that it’s not going anywhere? In some ways, I feel trapped in a spin cycle that will lead me somewhere far away from where I want to be. But at other times, I feel like I just need the time to determine what is really happening.

It’s the problem I knew would occur when I decided to try dating long-distance. It’s hard to determine what feelings are “real” based on vacation-like visits. While I know relationships ebb and flow, when you only see someone every so often, that ebb and flow is like make or break. When its good (Austin) it seems unrealistic it will always be that way in the day-to-day reality of life. But when its not-so-good, it seems as if it will last forever.

Right now, I’m at the things are ok, but not in a swept-off-my feet sort of way. I don’t know if I should say something now, or if I should wait to see who things will progress. Maybe this is just a phase. But then, what if it isn’t?

Today, NG told me that he was moody this weekend too because he just loves spending time with me and wants so badly for it to work out, that sometimes he gets too sensitive over stupid stuff. When I hear that, it makes me sad. I don’t know why. It just does.

I wish I could be that sure about him.

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