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Acceptance

July 9, 2008

Living w/NG up to now has been uneventful. There are things I notice that bother me, but not to the level of being annoyed. It’s more like, oh well, I guess Ill mention something about that later, but then I never do. They are stupid things like leaving the light on in the bathroom, turning off the cable box when its recording, not wiping the sink down after brushing teeth etc etc etc.

I’m trying to focus on the good things though, something I have a hard time doing. I had a somewhat “a-ha moment” (according to oprah) in the last week or so. It involved some douchebag at work who yelled at someone on my team. When I received the complaint, my blood begin to boil in typcial DX fashion, and I furiously started typing up a retort on why its not okay for him to be a bastard.

And then, mid-rant, I realized, you know what, it’s really not even worth it. Let it go, and move on with your life. He probably is pissed off for another reason that has nothing to do with you.

And just like that, the storm had passed. I emailed him back and told him what a pleasure it was to work with him, and that I hope we can work together in the future. And while it may sound very insincere, it actually really wasn’t.

The moral of the story is that for whatever reason, either me being out of what I considered a pressure-cooker situation (old house, old living arrangement=always the scapegoat, always wrong, never good enough, always to blame–say what you will but this is how I felt, and this is what I felt I came home to every day for a long long time, and it doesnt take a rocket scientist to see that negativity breeds negativity until one chases the other over and over again in a never-ending cycle of gloom and doom) and into a happier environment has maybe made me feel the slightest bit…happy. I will have to see if this is a fluke though as this thing called “happiness” is not an emotion I readily recognize.

It hasn’t been an amazing week or day or anything like that. Work has been stressful. NG and I have had our ups and downs. But for once, I feel ok. I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, I am making my way through the “anger” stage, and moving on to “letting go/acceptance.” It’s a start, anyway.

Gymastics 2x a week has definitely helped too. As NG says, “you are a different person after your class.” Compare this to what my old coworker said after switching jobs. “I don’t even recognize you anymore. The transformation is completely physical.” (I personally think I alwasy look the same, but whatever).

RD may be right: maybe all the things in my life are finally aligning, and sometimes I need people to remind me of this, even tho the possibility of that is going to take a person like myself a long time to absorb and accept.

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